Late goodbye.......

This morning , like all the other cliché mornings , as I departed from my bed squashed by my own weight , leafing through the silence of my room , imagining my god right there while I lay at his feet in the middle of nowhere, saying a hymn or two , I flung the window wide open. The morton arboretums that nested my room for months , now paved a way and ushered some light in my room as I parted the translucent curtains. It was just another day , no snow , no rain , the clouds painted as always in pairs and in groups , some ready to lose themselves to the rain , some hung and waiting to move on, some hand in hand with the fellow clouds , some scared to be flooding the grounds whilst others waited to plunder the mountains that challenged them . The mountains gawking up ,the clouds smiling down. An exchange of expressions through roars and lightning.
I went astray for a moment then , looking at a couple in the parking ,lost in each others embrace ,eyes closed , snuggled together on a morning so ordinary and making it special.
As they kissed ,their heads firm in each each others’ grips , held with force as that when you want somebody to listen to you and you hold his head to tell him to listen at any cost.
That wanting of yielding to the force of love is the most vehement of all the forces of the world. Love forces not , the strength to be it , makes you the force itself and what happens next is a mere repetition of what happened before , and it keeps repeating itself unto eternity. Ess muss sein they call it. The couple was lost into each other and I got lost in the puddle of my own thoughts. One tree to the other , one leaf to the other ,like a child given dots to join and form a figure, I was forming his picture in my mind. Leaf to leaf as I leafed his image grew on me , and grew until it nomore could. And in that still , I couldn’t find myself , it was just him peeping through the window clasping the translucent curtains. Sometimes we hold the memories and sometimes we are held.

“Each leaf becomes a fountainhead when seeking is the perception………The reflection of the self in that single Avogadro of light that is coming from a source light years away , seems a coincidence from within. The trees that shape my windows, morton arboretums, show the change we live, the change we aspire for , the change we all want to change for , would love to change for. But the autumn stands the tallest in all the wilderness and the withering. The leaves fall, some go unnoticed into the earth , the others while say cheese with those who lay on them and click photographs. And the cycle of time never stops though time falls into itself again and again , again the same 12’o clock and again the same tick-tack of the sandclock , but never the same moment in that same time. The trains of time are the most baffling , ever moving and ever the same. Ever the same and never the same . The time tickles the senses that are numb and nothing is same once it goes , for numbness can’t feel its own being, and the gone winds don’t reel back.”He was saying all this to me , as he stood there in my skin and I was somewhere listening. Somewhere pondering .Somewhere . Somewhere around him….maybe somewhere inside that body was some part of me that I had long forgotten.

We had fought before , many times , many were the days we spent idling on who stands his ego firm and who gives up, who is weaker and who can be strong enough. This time the fight was not a fight , it was a breakup. “It’s a goodbye forever “ ; as he said.
He had never ever argued before , never put forth his ego or bolstered his spirit on it.
He had never yelled at me , never shrieked or snapped when he had the temper urging him to. Never ever. He was always calm , always waiting for me to understand and wait subtly. I understood , on and off. Never firmly. Never concrete about how much he loves me. Though when we fought last , he argued not , but cried and shrieked and answered his own questions with his tears. I had broken his heart to never be molded back again , perhaps. Perhaps not . Perhaps this was how our relation would grow or cease to grow. This was “I don’t know” time. I din’t know when I was breaking it , I was blinded by ego and lust and seeking. Perhaps I was too much of somebody else to not be myself. As he stood there at my window in the heart of me , tears swelled in my eyes and the leaves turned to ivy and began to grow on the windows and doors and suffocated me , choked me , I could not breathe. I almost fell back on the sofa , hugging my upfolded legs , my head between my knees and my mouth half-opened as if about to die and dying to survive choking. Tears kept trickling down my cheek and I wondered if he could come back. And I wondered if love is love after it is tested . And I wondered, if saying , that there is a loss of trust ,actually causes a loss of trust , and saying , that you don’t love , actually comes from the innermost shell of hatred, that, if once explodes, leaves no room for love and rooms of love within. Pondering…..I realized that in my thoughts , I had plucked a leaf and it was tightly crushed in my hands,,,,,,,while I did that I had left him on the window where he was me sometime back . He was like the tree , always giving love and asking nothing in return. I had taken the leaves by force and he said not a word , he just stood there unmoved , withering , craving for his leaves , rottening from inside , while I told him calmly that autumn was anyway coming. I din’t realize it until this morning. Now as I laid on that couch of retribution , tears rolled down my cheeks again and I got up in a jiffy , wiped my tears and looked out. This was the first time that I was looking outwards and seeing the insides of me. This happened after years , and as I pondered on what I had lost and what I had mustered all this while , I stood there , in that window which opened outwards but peeped inside . I looked for the parking lot , the couple had vanished. I dint know if they would come back again or who they were , I didn’t know if I would get another chance .The place where they stood sometime back was now a mere heap of the morton leaves, somehow all gathered ,as if holding hands to die together , but rejoicing in those moments of togetherness.

And then I looked at the leaf in my hand….and let go of it. As it made its way to the ground , tossing and turning in the air , I thought of all the moments I had with him. And all the times he longed to come back to me , despite the falls . And this time as I thought of him , he was going , he was on the road of no return. I could see , the leaf was happy making its way through the air and the grass and the road….and finally as it touched the road , it stopped and moved …… as if looking back and sending me that final glance of love , perhaps for the last time , and saying a goodbye. I kept searching and looking….at a distance when it disappeared from my eye , I saw the same couple walk away. They were probably on their way home. My eyes could hold no more , and again , the brims shored the ocean and contained abyss of nothingness infinite. It was the last time that I cried in such happiness, he was on his way home afterall….. and perhaps the last time that I was happy.